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All posts for the month April, 2007

Sign Me Up For Some Prozac!

Published April 26, 2007 by glaumland

Sigh…why does life have to be so hard?

At work, it seems like the never ending battle against dirt, death & disease. I know that’s the nature of veterinary business, but it seems like lately there have been too many points in the loss column.

At church, things continue to spiral downward. Absolutely wonderful members of my church family are leaving in large numbers (about 20 families so far) and leaving big empty holes behind. Not only are they gone, but now the work has to be piled on fewer people. I’ve taken on extra responsibilities of youth and education, add that in to being president of our ladies guild and church calendar and pitching in where needed, and I’m getting tired. And since I’m not getting the kind of spiritual food I need there, I’m feeling a great deal of anger & despair. Not a great situation and I’d leave in a heartbeat if I wouldn’t be leaving behind all of my older ladies who can’t leave and don’t have their own voice. I’ve just got to stand up for them! They’ve supported me when I really needed it. But I see the toll this is taking on myself, my husband and my family, and I wonder, “Will we make it out the other side?”

What bothers me most is that I’ve told the leadership over & over about the issues that we are facing, and they just don’t seem to get it. Harassment and abuse can be hard for people to understand, especially those who have never faced it. But you’d think with so many people leaving our church, and with the escalation in occurances, somebody would see what’s going on and do something about it.

Forgive & forget. That’s what the leadership is saying. Actually, the forgiveness part is easy. There still is an attitude of love and caring present, it is just that trust and respect are gone. Along with a lot of people I love. Loss has never been easy for me, and I hope this isn’t preparation for some even bigger losses.

On the home front, I’m finding each day a real struggle. My intestines are bothering me, along with my skin & joints, then add in the stress headaches. My house is a mess and I just can’t seem to find the energy or the drive to do anything about it. My kids are fed and the dishes are done, but that’s about it. So then comes the guilt of a wasted day and of letting down my family. I’m trying very hard to appear to the outside world as if nothing is wrong, and even that is draining. I just want to ball up in bed in the dark and read & sleep & not be responsible for or to anyone.

Sigh…well, this venting has helped a little. Thank goodness for my computer. Mindless typing that takes minimal effort. I think I’ll go grab my Bible and read & pray over some Psalms. I know that I’m suffering from spiritual malnutrition and I need to attend to that part of my life.

Until next time…

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Springtime…Second time around

Published April 16, 2007 by glaumland

Well, we’ve had freezing temps, lots of rain and a few snowflakes. Brrr. I thought winter was over, and so did my plants. But now the warmer temps are back and hopefully in the next few days we’ll find out exactly how bad this cold spell affected everything. Hopefully most everything will bounce back, even if it is a little ugly on the top.

Potty training isn’t going well. It did for a couple of days, and then the kid decided he really didn’t want any candy anyway. Oh well, guess we’ll shoot for a few good days and then hopefully start stringing a few together. I’m trying really hard not to stress over this too much.

I’m finishing up taxes today. Nothing like waiting for the last minute. But at least the last minute was postponed this year. How did that happen? Is today some sort of holiday?

Things at church are still, well, difficult. Participated in a meeting the other day and cleared the air, but didn’t really accomplish much. I have decided to take a more active role in the children’s and youth ministries so looks like the rest of the year will be busy. But I know it will be a blessing. Somehow God will give me the strength and wisdom to get through it all.

I got a letter in the mail not too long ago about a class reunion from my grade school. I went to Topeka Lutheran School. It was an awesome experience and I can’t wait to reconnect with all of those folks. Some of them go to my parents church, so I kinda keep up with them that way. Gosh, it’s been such a long time.

I have my baby chicks ordered and their due to be delivered on the 27th. I think I ordered enough (about 50!) so maybe I’ll actually have a few hens left next year. I’ll have to get dear hubby to help me work on the chicken house.

Daughter’s church choir went bowling yesterday. It was alot of fun. Then in the evening was 4H. Made for a really long day and we were all tired last night.

Well, downloading is done so guess I’d better finish up. Until next time!

What Happened To Spring?

Published April 11, 2007 by glaumland

Gee Whiz! This weather really sucks. Not only did the cold snap wreck the wisteria, lilacs, clematis and probably the fruit trees, the lilies and irises look awful too. I’d take the tornados back if I could just have spring with it.

Lost another hen over the weekend. My favorite one, a year old Plymouth Barred Rock. She was very friendly to people, not so much with the other hens (there are only three left). That was probably her downfall, she didn’t like to be in the chicken house or hang out with the girls. I am so tired of losing chickens! I’ve ordered another couple dozen chicks so hopefully I can keep some alive for awhile.

Little boy is (I think & I really hope) finally starting to get some of this potty training stuff. What I do know is that he is bribe-able (I’m using Easter candy) so we’ll see how that works. Does that make me a mean & manipulative MOM?

Issues at church remain challenging and frustrating. I’m hoping everything comes to a head soon so that we can settle down and heal and get back to doing God’s business. There should be some interesting meetings coming up.

Well, guess that’s all the griping I’ve got to do tonight. Until next time…

He Is Risen Indeed!

Published April 9, 2007 by glaumland

Wow! Another Easter has come and gone. I am constantly amazed how I can feel so joy-filled after this special Sunday. We had a wonderful Easter service, then a delicious brunch, followed by a visit from the bunny and egg hunt. It was a little cold, but at least no snow.

The prayer service I helped to organize came off pretty well. It turned out to be just what the doctor ordered…an hour & a half of peaceful prayer and meditation in the midst of a hectic Holy Week. I wonder if perhaps taking the time to empty my spirit on Saturday gave me more room to be filled Sunday – definitely a possibility.

The only down side is that I’ve caught the bug that son & hubby had last week. Yuk. Gma came and picked up son today, so if daughter can stay occupied (she wasn’t feeling good either) maybe I can get some rest. I love my heated waterbed when I feeling icky – nothing better for the chills.

I’ve got to finish taxes this week. Every year I think I’ll get done early, but the time just seems to go too fast. Maybe it’s having all of this Easter activity that keeps me preoccupied. But what a great distraction! Now if I can make this joy last all year long.

Until next time!

Expectations…

Published April 6, 2007 by glaumland

Not what I expected:

It’s turned off really REALLY cold here. Down in the -teens tonight, and that after such a warm March. I haven’t done a walkabout to check on all of my plants, but I’m sure that this weather has pretty well kicked spring in the pants. Sigh…maybe next year.

My little boy was sick all through the night yesterday so I didn’t get much done. He’s got a cold and a little fever, so I think he just had an upset tummy from all of the post-nasal drip. I did have to run to the store to pick up an Rx so he was happy to get a new Thomas train & Bob the Builder movie. Yawn.

There was a poor turn-out from our church (only Pastor & wife & MIL and me & daughter) in our visit to neighboring church for Maundy Thursday service. Bummer.

Dearest Hubby seems to have an upset stomach today and stayed home. Another bummer.

My Durango is still getting worked on after changing a battery that was leaking acid everywhere, new alternator, new belts and still needs the rear wiper motor replaced (it seems it was shorted out and draining everything). Luckily DH is and electrical engineer and good with this kinda stuff. But I hadn’t reckoned on spending all of that money. Grr.

What I expected…

We visited a neighboring LCMS church last night for the Maundy Thursday service and it was a wonderful experience. Not only were the people VERY friendly, but you could tell they were on fire – there was this palpable sense of excitement. Very refreshing. The sermon was really good with readings from different parts of the Bible rather than illustrations. The music was really nice – last night they played an electric piano and had a small men & women’s choir. They also had drums & guitars, but our music last night was more traditional. There was a large screen. And the cross above the altar was really neat – it looks like they somehow affixed lots of different fabric pieces to it to make it multicolored and 3-D. All in all a very pleasant worship service. My daughter loved it (there were kids there) and wants to go back. We’ll see.

Dearest Hubby got a TV & DVD to put in the fancy sitting room (also known as the music room). He likes to practice his banjo in there and now he can watch his instruction dvd’s without taking over the whole living room.

Until next time…

Baby It’s Cold Outside!

Published April 4, 2007 by glaumland

Brrr…Who turned off the heat this morning? It seemed like spring had finally sprung, then boing! It’s in the high twenties here. I just hope this cold weather doesn’t kill off everything. It seems as though there’s enough moisture in the air that we didn’t get a frost. Or something. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Yesterday was kinda crazy. Started out OK, but when I was leaving for work the car wouldn’t start. Dead as a doornail. Oh great. So called Hubby who was kind enough to drop his work, drive home, take the boy to daycare, take me to work, and then drive home and spent the day working on my vehicle. Finally figured it out, got it running and ordered some other parts. Gosh, I really hate not being able to trust my car, and I hate all of the money spent to get it fixed. I’m just really lucky I’ve got a hubby that can do the work.

I’m having a very low energy day today. Kinda tired and achy all over. I work all day Tuesdays, and the standing/walking on the concrete floor and sometimes hectic pace really wear me out. The joint and muscle aches have developed since I’ve had Crohn’s Disease, and I can usually tell how much inflammation is present by how achy I feel. I’ve got diarrhea all of the time so that I’m pretty used to (in fact, at work we call the restroom “my office”!). Ha Ha. The gut pain comes and goes, and actually it’s less of a pain that a burning sensation or feeling like I’ve eaten cut glass. But no where near as bad as when I was really sick or when I have a flare-up.

Well, the boy has a runny nose that needs wiped and he’s wanting some Mommy time so guess I’ll close for now.

Until next time.

Who Can You Trust?

Published April 1, 2007 by glaumland

Trustworthy – some of the synonyms are: dependable, reliable, responsible, truthful, honest, constant, honorable & upright. Breaking the word up into its parts, something or someone that is trustworthy is something/someone that has value to you because you can confidently rely on it/them. Being trustworthy is a great thing and something we should all strive to be – definitely a virtue.

How do we assign our trust? Sometimes the trust is earned. After experience with and interacting with the subject, we can judge for ourselves that the desired outcome is what we want. Even if we don’t get the outcome we want, if we can consistenly see the same outcome, we will trust it to always happen that way, even if we don’t like it. (It sounds funnier reading it back). Dearest Hubby, an engineer, was trying to point this out to me tonight in a very engineer way – things are either yes/no, black/white, on/off, one’s or zero’s.

Sometimes we trust in people or things because it is instilled in us from a very young age. You grow up trusting in someone because your parents did and that’s just the way it is. I think the respect thing works this way, too. I’ve noticed this as my daughter has entered school – even though a teacher may be younger than me and refer to herself by her first name, my first inclination is to call her Miss/Mrs Whatever. Again, this is a good thing, especially as it relates to the 4th commandment to respect your father & mother (or those placed in authority).

But what happens when someone that you trust breaks that trust? And not just once, but over and over again. And continues to even after the issues have been discussed with them personally and publicly (reference Matthew 18:15-20). When do you stop offering your trust? And when do you say, “Enough is enough?”

What about the other people whose trust has been broken, as well? I’ve known tremendous pain myself just from watching the pain & anguish of those others. My heart goes out to them and my first inclination is to be the momma bear and lash out at the person causing the pain. I’ve managed to pretty successfully keep momma bear in her cage with lots of prayer & venting.

The next place I usually go is to the analytical portion of my brain. I’m pretty verbose (could you tell?) and pretty good too at picking things apart and analyzing them and then putting my thoughts down on paper. You wouldn’t believe the number of unfinished papers/letters I have stored on my computer that document my feelings and frustrations concerning my loss of trust. Venting on the computer, and even on this blog, is somewhat therapeutic and at least makes me feel like my voice has been heard.

So then what? Jesus requires me to forgive over and over and over again, as long as necessary. And I think I have reached that point, with ALOT of praying. And I can say that having a forgiving heart (Thank You Jesus) has enabled me to continue to deal with this person with love and respect. But not trust.

Can trust  be restored? I’m not sure. I’ve heard tales of husbands/wives recovering their marriage after infidelity. I know there have been other things & people in my life who have broken my trust, but it is hard to remember them. Perhaps that is one of the great gifts I received from my parents is a heart that is willing to trust. I do know, though, that this is the first time when I have so urgently sought the Father’s guidance to give me direction in this area. (What’s that saying? “Don’t sweat the small stuff, because to God it’s all small stuff.”)

An incident, though, has finally occured that I feel it is time for me to take a stand and be willing to put myself in the firing line. The stand I plan to take won’t be pretty or pleasant, but I pray that I can keep it respectful and honest. I just feel like I’m being driven (called perhaps?) to serve my friends with this action. I feel very peaceful with my decision, even though doing it is still a little scary. I wonder if that’s how Jesus felt during Holy Week. I think I’ve got to keep my heart open to the Lord’s direction and be willing to follow where He commands. No matter what happens. That’s the cost of following Jesus (see a previous post).

Well, as I sit here typing, the download I’m waiting for is about 2/3 finished. But it’s really late and I’m tired (physically and emotionally). I think I’ll wrap it up for tonight and at least try to get some rest and trust the internet (HA HA) to do this download thing right on its own.

Until next time…