Sigh…why does life have to be so hard?
At work, it seems like the never ending battle against dirt, death & disease. I know that’s the nature of veterinary business, but it seems like lately there have been too many points in the loss column.
At church, things continue to spiral downward. Absolutely wonderful members of my church family are leaving in large numbers (about 20 families so far) and leaving big empty holes behind. Not only are they gone, but now the work has to be piled on fewer people. I’ve taken on extra responsibilities of youth and education, add that in to being president of our ladies guild and church calendar and pitching in where needed, and I’m getting tired. And since I’m not getting the kind of spiritual food I need there, I’m feeling a great deal of anger & despair. Not a great situation and I’d leave in a heartbeat if I wouldn’t be leaving behind all of my older ladies who can’t leave and don’t have their own voice. I’ve just got to stand up for them! They’ve supported me when I really needed it. But I see the toll this is taking on myself, my husband and my family, and I wonder, “Will we make it out the other side?”
What bothers me most is that I’ve told the leadership over & over about the issues that we are facing, and they just don’t seem to get it. Harassment and abuse can be hard for people to understand, especially those who have never faced it. But you’d think with so many people leaving our church, and with the escalation in occurances, somebody would see what’s going on and do something about it.
Forgive & forget. That’s what the leadership is saying. Actually, the forgiveness part is easy. There still is an attitude of love and caring present, it is just that trust and respect are gone. Along with a lot of people I love. Loss has never been easy for me, and I hope this isn’t preparation for some even bigger losses.
On the home front, I’m finding each day a real struggle. My intestines are bothering me, along with my skin & joints, then add in the stress headaches. My house is a mess and I just can’t seem to find the energy or the drive to do anything about it. My kids are fed and the dishes are done, but that’s about it. So then comes the guilt of a wasted day and of letting down my family. I’m trying very hard to appear to the outside world as if nothing is wrong, and even that is draining. I just want to ball up in bed in the dark and read & sleep & not be responsible for or to anyone.
Sigh…well, this venting has helped a little. Thank goodness for my computer. Mindless typing that takes minimal effort. I think I’ll go grab my Bible and read & pray over some Psalms. I know that I’m suffering from spiritual malnutrition and I need to attend to that part of my life.
Until next time…