I’m Not A Doctor, But I Play One In The White House

Published September 9, 2009 by glaumland

While I was watching the Presidential address tonight I behaved very much like a mad woman – going from screaming frustration to screaming hysterics. I’m sure if you polled some liberal folks, that’s just what they would expect from us conservative-loonies. Oh well, in some ways it was very cathartic, in other ways, enlightening. (But come to think of it, all cathartics lighten you up in one way or another…hmm…)

We heard lots of the blame game – we’re trying to work with them, but they’re trying to ruin our plans bacause they don’t like me. [Insert a whalloping dose of self-pity, cry a few tears, and please try to help the poor man stack his blocks again!] Oh, and I loved the Obama mantra “we inherited” too.

Sure, tonight was alot of fun, but I’m sorry to say not as much as the press conference back in July. You remember, the one where we didn’t hear Obama take the mike and say, “I’m not a real doctor, but I play one on television.” Because tvland is obviously where he gets most of his medical knowledge. He must have a healthcare czar who sits around watching soap operas on TV (maybe Michelle’s momma?) Because most of the scenarios he has come up with in the past sounded just like plots from those shows.

Keep your mouth closed children, because when Dr’s tell you to say, “Ah!” they’re just looking for an excuse to rip your tonsils out! While other doctors would send you from specialist to specialist running the same tests over and over, Dr Obama will just lay his hands on you and know what ails you (just like he’s done for the country). And Dr Obama doesn’t want the bad doctors to take them tonsils out 3 or 4 times, so he’s just gonna pop you some new pills, cause maybe you just got an allergy or something. But you won’t get the blue pill, because the red one is 50% cheaper. Dr Obama can cure everything!

[An brief interlude of screaming…I had finished my post and the last half disappeared! AARRGGHH! So I’ll try to remember what I wrote, because it’s so interesting I’m sure you won’t want to miss a single word! Not only that, but I got bit by a cat today and my finger is throbbing – I’m going to treat it myself because I’m sure all my doctors would make me have several CT-scans, a colonoscopy and liposuction before they’d just amputate my arm. Although, if I just go to a town-hall meeting in California, maybe some leftie wing-nut job will bite if off for me!]

As someone who has extensive experience with the healthcare system (fibromyalgia, Crohn’s, female problems and a couple babies), I can tell you that Obama is really clueless when it comes to healthcare reform. He shovelled so much BS tonight that the flies in DC should stay happy and warm for quite a while. Maybe we can tax Obama’s carbon emissions to help pay for his healthcare plans. Since it won’t cost our country A SINGLE DIME! (Can’t argue with him there, the dimes will be piled so high we won’t be able to count them.)

OK, so here’s my take on Obama’s points:

1) If Obama’s healthcare reform doesn’t pass, millions of people are going to die or go bankrupt. But don’t believe any of the scary lies that SOME people are telling (he’s talking about you, Sarah!). The majority of Americans showed there support for his plan this summer at the town-halls, except for the fear-mongers who don’t want anything to change.

2) Let’s not forget, he inherited a 3T deficit in January. Sure, the economy is in the tank, but with all of the money he saves on healthcare reform it will pay for itself. Otherwise he’s gonna get out his scalpel and make some cuts, baby. He’s been watching those soap operas and he knows how it’s done. Oh yeah, and everyone that doesn’t agree with his plan can just ‘lend a hand’ or ‘chip in’  or ‘do your part’ – whatever the nice way is to say MORE TAXES.

3) Anyone who has a serious plan about healthcare reform will be listened to. Ummm, except when he’s on vacation, ’cause being the president is sooo cool but sooo much harder than anyone told him. Oh  yeah, and if you interupt his work-out time he gets kinda cranky, so mornings are out, too. Oh, and gosh, he’s got an awfully busy social calendar hosting beer parties, so I guess that leaves out afternoons. Well, just leave your suggestion with flag@whitehouse.gov. They’ll make sure that Obama  the Justice Department the healthcare czar gets it.

4) Obama is just looking out for the little guys trying to compete with the big insurance companies (did he mention how evil they are?). You know, little guys like the, oh, auto industry who are trying to compete on an international level. The same companies that our government spent billions of dollars to bail out, after he inherited a 3Trillion dollar deficit. And I’m not sure if America should be proud or ashamed for being an ‘advanced democracy’ – I think that’s lib-speak for ‘you rich ba****ds’. One of Obama’s ideas to help people get insurance is to let them form co-ops so that they can negotiate with the big, evil, profit-making insurance companies (sshhh…don’t tell anyone that this option already exists…it sounds better when it seems like it’s his idea).

5) And Obama’s gonna REQUIRE EVERYBODY to get health insurance, just like we’re required to get auto insurance. So Cousin Timmy at the IRS is gonna check your returns to see if you can afford insurance. But don’t worry, if you’re a friend of Obama’s and forget to pay your taxes, there’s a special exemption waiting for you so you can have the same great healthcare our legislators have (and you’ll get a czar position to boot!). ‘Cause, without his plan everybody’s gonna die or go bankrupt!

6) Don’t pay attention to any of those bogus claims that we’ll have bureaucratic death panels (Sarah, are you listenin’ darlin’?). You know, just because we’ll have new government panels to decide what treatments are cost effective doesn’t mean we’ll keep you from getting the cheapest alternative treatment available. By golly, if you need a cane, we’ll find you a nice, sturdy stick to lean on. Need that Upper GI Scope AND a Colonoscopy? We’ll use the same scope in both places and that way we’ll save on equipment costs. Naseous? Go ahead and puke, it’s what people have done for centuries…

7) Government run healthcare is going to be so much cheaper than privately-run insurance companies because… wait, it’s coming… there isn’t as much overhead! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!! Obama should really think about doing stand-up comedy. So without the overhead, excessive administration costs, and executive salaries, we’d all be getting a great deal. Gosh, we must be an advanced democracy if our government can avoid all of those problems.

8) If any of Obama’s progressive (that must be the new term for liberal/socialist/fascist) friends or his Republican friends (that’s likely to be a pretty small number, have any legitimate concerns, refer back to #3. He only wants to listen if people are really serious about this. Not like those scary fear-mongers or the evil insurance executives.

9) Don’t forget our dear friend Teddy Kennedy. Let’s all pause for a moment while Joe reaches for his hanky to dab at his eyes. Teddy liked healthy kids, because healthy kids were more fun to party with. It was all about Teddy’s large heart (and hopefully, large feet – because Obama wants everyone to walk in Teddy’s shoes). Frankly, all of Teddy’s family at the address looked pretty shell-shocked. I can’t say I blame them, I’m not sure I’d want to be on display as the pathetic, grief-stricken family for the nation to gawk at.

10) There are people out there who don’t believe that big government can solve every problem we face. If you don’t believe “We’re from the government and we’re here to help,” well then, you’re just un-American. Just ask Nancy. If you don’t believe big government is needed to keep Wallstreet from going crazy, you’re just trying to exploit the little guy. If you don’t believe that socialism is the future of America, you’re just downright mean. And Obama’s gonna throw anyone who doesn’t agree with him under the bus.

 [I was going to mention somewhere about the revelation I received tonight: women with big hips shouldn’t wear hot pink pleats. Think about it.]

Do I think there needs to be some healthcare reform? Sure, that seems pretty obvious. I just think that when we’re having serious discussions on this topic, we should look at what is already being done in the world…that in itself would lead to some legitimate concerns. Why make the same mistake that other countries have done, just so you can congratulate yourself on being an ‘advanced democracy.’ 

Think I’ll go hang out with the disruptive, fib-tellin’ scare-mongers…I’ll be in good company.

Until next time…

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